Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
