Where are you?
In a non slutty way
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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