I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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