That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We need to feng shui this bitch.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
