so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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