I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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