If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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