We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And then my night got REAL pukey
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
