He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
