I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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