For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
