I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
