i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
