Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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