totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
