You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
