Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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