I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize