wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize