omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
