Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
