i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
