there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
