Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
