I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
