I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
there was a trapeze. enough said
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
