just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Congratulations! We have a period
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
