mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
