I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
