Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
