ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
