i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
