You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize