my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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