i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
