Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
