i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize