Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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