LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
