Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
