I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
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