Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
