two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
how does that bad decision feel?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
