me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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