So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
