but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
