John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
a search helicopter?!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
