i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
