Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
