New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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