Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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