I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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