so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
