All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
