The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
