Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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