im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
