I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
