Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
