You can't special order awesome
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
