Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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