I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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